Change is not stagnation.

There has been much speculation going on, for quite some time, about how effective Obama will be at creating the change he has campaigned on. So far he has appointed and reappointed the same old people who have been in the white house creating the current shit-hole called America. There was much surprise in these appointments. There was also some recent outcry (mostly from the gay community) when Obama announced that at his inauguration one of the speakers would be a known conservative christian minister. And people seem to be shocked by all of this. Here's my question: why?

I've said it before and I'll say it again- a corrupt system will always remain corrupt regardless of who is "running" it. Until the system is truly changed, it won't work correctly. Obama's piddly promises of change have so far shown themselves to be quite shallow. His idea of change is far from enough to create the far-reaching change needed to actually correct our fucked up, power-hungry, over-reaching, corrupt, self-destructive government. It appears that the momentum has fizzled out since election day. But casting a vote isn't enough. There is much work still to be done...

A Ponderance

When two people really care about each other and share a bed, who is it harder on: the one who has to get up early and leave each morning, or the one left in bed alone?

PSU Phelps Counterprotest

Today PSU was protested by the Fred Phelp's group and their "God Hates Fags" campaign. They were protesting PSU for having a Queer Resource Center and for having gender-neutral bathrooms. The outcome of the protest? 4 Phelps, over 100 PSU students and community members. The entire time was peaceful (yes, most of the PSU group stayed on PSU property a block away from the Phelps people, but those that went and stood and blocked the Phelps people were peaceful too). Here are some pictures:

Of the 4 from the Phelps group, 3 were young teenage girls. There was also a middle-aged man who was their leader. The girls weren't very vocal but preached at anyone who chatted with them them God created everyone and predestined many of them to go to hell. They felt that there was nothing wrong with that idea.

Some of the posters there were amazing. One read "I'm pretty sure God doesn't hate fags." One read "God hates tiny fuzzy kittens". I took one that read "Let us pee in peace". It got a lot of attention from the new crews. Another read "God Loves Fags... why else did She make so many?" 

There was lots of cheering and smiles and a general good time. All in all, a success I'd say. Next time we should make some more plans though to make some improvements.

Spreading the Holiday Spirit

The holiday season is here again (in reality its always the holiday season... its just that the mainstream capitalist system only recognizes and cashes in on the major Christian ones). One thing I find interesting is that around the major holidays things shut down. Offices, centers, support services, groups, etc. Isn't that sort-of backwards? The holidays are times when things should purposely stay open. After all, not everyone has a family to go home to where we'll have that Hallmark picture perfect moment around the dinner table and the turkey. Shit, many would settle just for a family, let alone the picture perfect moment. News flash: PEOPLE NEED SUPPORT ESPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS!!! And we wonder why the suicide rate is higher in the months of November and December into January.

PSU Trans DOR Vigil

I attended PSU's vigil last night in honor of Transgender Day Of Remembrance. Here are some of my thoughts.

Reid V. was the first speaker. He talked about himself quite a bit. He talked about a bunch of middle-aged, white people who are all in long-term-relationships. Some were married. Some had children. And that was the "representation" of the trans community that he gave us. He talked about some of his ally friends and gave little sound-bites from their warm and fuzzy stories of being trans allies. He then compared the experience of a trans ally to that of a transperson themselves. Um Reid, do you really think that the ally risks more than the transperson for being themselves?

Next up was a younger transman from Basic Rights Oregon. He read a piece of slam poetry about how our experiences are thrown away and often "found on a bathroom floor". It was a brilliant piece that expressed the frustrations of living in a system that hates us and yet it got people fired up and wanting to do something too.

Jen B. spoke next. Her opening statement was to repeat her introduction about who she is and some of the things she has done. Apparently the speakers tonight were told it was all about them. She also identified herself as being middle-aged and in a LTR (because, again, that reflects the experience of the whole community, right?). I was astounded by the fact that she had the guts to mention that Nov 20th was her birthday (which elicited a cheer from the crowd).  She then went on to talk about her life story and throughout is used a lot of cliched phrases. Eventually, after dropping the names of a bunch of other people she thought everyone would know of, she got around to actually talking about what we were there for. She told the story of Lawrence King (Leticia). Of course, she didn't just tell Leticia's story... she had to insert herself into it too. One  really well spoken point in her speech was when she acknowledged that the Trans DOR recognizes those who died at the hands of hate, but that there are also many who have been killed slowly by intolerance until they eventually took their own lives.

After Jen, Rose Sims took the stage in her typical, quiet manner yet loud presence. She read the accounts of several transfolk who we lost in the past year. Rose didn't waste words on herself. She read the stories with emotion and gave a message of honoring them but living so that we don't have to keep adding names each year.

Kendall, from the Q-Center, spoke next. She read the names of the transfolk we were there to remember. I was surprised that instead of just reading the names of those we lost in the last year, she read the list of those who've been reported lost since 1970 to present. The list is enormous and saddening and infuriating. Most of the names are of transwomen. Time and again the name given was simply "unidentified man in women's clothing", "unknown crossdressed male", "unnamed trangender person". These people weren't cared about enough to even have their names- no one went out and found out who they were. When the reading of the list ended, Kendall left the stage in silence and walked back to her seat. Silence. I wanted to scream... WAIT! Silence is what contributed to the deaths of all those transpeople! After hearing that list we shouldn't be silenced; we should be outraged! Why aren't we having a moment of noise instead?

The last speaker was Laura C. She read a speech about being "driven to hope".

Final thoughts- the entire vigil was held safely indoors in an auditorium. It was a quiet and somber event. It was largely unnoticed except by those in attendance. If those of us who already know about trans struggles are the only ones remembering those we've lost, does the vigil do any good? Yes, we got a community together (even if that community wasn't given a very accurate representation through the speakers). How many people left there last night, though, and didn't have any more plans for doing something than when they got there? Was the community strengthened or just brought together for a couple of hours?

City life

The city walls are pressing in on me

I scream inside my head

No one else would really listen anyway

I feel enclosed, trapped, suffocated

There are so many bodies

But no people

No rewarding interaction

The city is full but oh so empty

Its a maze with no exit

No block of cheese at the end

No end

A Stupid Thing Happened On The Way...

So, I fell at work yesterday. I wish I could tell some amazing tale about how I work with a wildlife rescue mission and was stretched out over a ravine reaching for a stuck kitten but fell instead. Or I'd settle for a job doing painting and the ladder I was on was blowing back and forth in the wind till it crashed down. But no. 

I was carrying a load of laundry into the laundry room at my oh so glamorous job and slipped on a wet spot. Not to worry, the concrete floor caught my fall... and so did some of the dirty laundry I was carrying. I looked around quick to see if anyone saw me, and got up laughing at how stupid a thing that was. I brushed myself off and continued on thinking I was okay.

Today, I am not okay. My hip and shoulder where I fell are achey and tight making this rediculous event linger far longer than it should have. Oy. How do you file for workman's comp and time off?

Cyclical

Everything cycles.

The Earth turns in a cycle, daily and annually.

The rain falls in cycles.

The tides ebb and flow in cycles.

Blood flows in cycles.

There is so much that is in a constant state of rising and falling. 

Coming and going.

Depression.

Contentment.

Energy.

It's all timed out, and we should know it by now.

It still throws us for a loop, though, when a number of the cycles sync up.

Then their effects get multiplied.

All you can do is wait it out.

Hang on for the ride.

Hope it evens out again.

It does even out again, right?

Letter to Obama

So you've been [overwhelmingly] elected. We the people have spoken and we clearly stated we want change. We want positive change that will restore our full rights, that will diminish our economic hardships, that will reinvigorate our drive to participate in a true republic, that will earn peace towards America from a world in which we have shamed our namesake for so long. Are you up to this level of change? If any sort of mandate has been given, it certainly is this mandate and not that we will blindly follow behind another administration's blundering, harmful, destructive actions. Obama, are you willing to accept this mandate?

We the people have not raised our hands to elect someone who will be cowed by corporations or who will be pressured into selling out the people for the greed and/or interests of the corrupt few. Obama, are you ready to follow through on your promises?

There are many who didn't vote for you because they didn't believe you have what it takes. There are many who voted for you despite not believing you have what it takes. There are many who voted for you because they hope you have what it takes. Obama, will you let us all down? Prove to us that you can do it right- that you can do right by us all. Rather than just being the lesser of two evils, we want you to stand up and do some real good.

Your campaign slogan was "change we can believe in." I'm sure you put on fresh underwear every morning. That's change I can believe in. It's not the change I'm willing to settle for, though. Let's revamp the slogan. Now that you're not trying to do the campaign dance around the few delegates you couldn't afford to piss off, let's really vamp things up. Let's go with something like "radical change we can believe in." Let's go with "wide-sweeping change we can believe in." Let's go with "lots of positive change to benefit we the people that we have only previously dreamed of being able to believe in." Fulfill those dreams.

Working For The Man

I went downtown this morning around 9am and drove past the county courthouse. What I saw was disgusting. There was businessperson after businessperson wearing identical suits all walking almost completely in single file. And nobody was looking twice. No expressions. Just business as usual. How sad that there was no real life there, just the mechanical actions of a machine in motion.

Writing

I'm currently writing a story. I really like it. It follows the relationship (and all the drama that that entails) of two queer people as they struggle to define who they are together as well as where their comfort zones are. It's promising to be a beautiful piece with lots of contradictions and no rules.

I don't know what to do with it though. It's been suggested that I submit it to a writing contest for a gender symposium. I've thought about putting it out in zine form. I also thought about just doing an ongoing set of blog entries and post it here, entry by entry. Maybe I'll do all these things. We'll see. Of course, I also wouldn't be opposed to receiving a substantial publishers check for it either. A book deal would be quite welcome. Haha.

Disclaimer

These posts made on 10/30 were all writings I had done previously. Please don't become alarmed by the content as it does not reflect my current state of being. These are being posted for posterity's sake and to add some ranting, angsty color to a blog that has been too barren this month.

Feeling

I just wanted to feel alive- to dance and smile and share all of that. Instead, all I felt was dead. The smile and the motions were fake. A good mask but fake all the same. I didn’t really feel anything. I was detached and isolated and utterly alone. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. That would mean feeling something. Anything. Anyway, the tears would have only ruined my well-crafted mask and I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. In effect, I was hanged. Immobile, yet still unwilling to surrender. Needing death to find me but not ready for it yet- still too scared to let go.

She Cried Out

In my dream I heard a young child as she screamed for help. I woke to find that I hadn’t been sleeping at all. The voice was really there. But I was completely alone. I cried as I realized that the voice I had heard wasn’t a child’s; it wasn’t even someone else’s. That voice was my own as I cried out for help. I had forgotten and buried that voice so long ago that I didn’t recognize it at all anymore. But now I remembered and I had to do something about it.

The Dregs of Being

I had arrived in this place with such high hopes for what I would find. I guess they were more of unrealistic expectations than anything. The grass is always greener... you know. All that bullshit that we feed ourselves so that we keep going and are never really happy with where we are. I had seven cups in my backpack but was only pouring one drink.

I had no fight left in me. Nothing. It was all gone. Sure, somedays I could dredge up some weak attempt, but it wasn’t the same. There wasn’t any fire or any passion in it. And I couldn’t sustain that for long at all.

Capitalism

Yahoo news today ran the headline "10 Steps to Becoming a Millionaire". One of the steps was be aggressive. Another step was to "watch your spending". They stated that vacations, travel, homes, and children all take money- so minimize your spending! Basically, be an asshole who doesn't enjoy life or share that with other people or family. Anyone still want to be a millionaire?

I'm currently reading the book "Days of War/ Nights of Love" by Crimethinc. It's an amazing book so far and so frustrating. It talks a lot about capitalism and how the system is set up to screw over the majority of us. We sell our time to the highest bidder we can find and then work away until exhausted and then go home and buy back the products we helped make at a profit to our employers. The examples are very poignant and clear. The theory is solid. The result is frustration over a system that makes it so hard to operate outside of it. 

There is one point that discusses a gift-based economy over a trade-based (capitalist) economy. It offers some hope.

On Paying

I've been speaking with some friends for a while now about how people finance their transitions. I refuse to believe that only the privileged can achieve a desirable level of transition. Through some brainstorming and internet searching we've come across with some ideas for financing. Of course, there's always savings (if you don't mind waiting till age 50 if you aren't well off to begin with), there are a few grants (if you can find them and qualify), loans (if you can qualify and don't mind paying for it till age 80), benefit parties, and sponsors. My friends and I are currently toying with a plan for juggling several of those methods to raise some funding (yes, some of you who are reading this will inevitably be getting a letter from me at some point soon- it's still in the draft stage for right now. Please don't hate me for it.).  

Human Connection

I don't want to get too good at being alone...

9 Parts of Desire

Tonight I saw the play "9 Parts of Desire". It was beautiful. And sad. And intense. 

The premise of the play is this: one woman plays the parts of 9 Iraqi women who are talking to an interviewer. During their interviews they share their experiences of life before and during the Gulf and Iraq wars. Each story is very moving as they express all the nuances of living in fear. And all the nuances of finding enjoyment and peace and pleasure where ever they can. The violence that is a common theme among the women is gripping. And equally gripping is the disclosure of a doctor who has been delivering mutated baby after mutated baby that she herself is pregnant and that she doesn't know how she will be able to look at all these malformed infants when they grow up. 

Like the war in Iraq and the constant news coverage that faces us all, this play does not let up. There are several lighter moments thrown in, but from start to finish it is one full story of intense emotion.

Magnet Poetry for Posterity's Sake

Music is to smear

red sex passion

deep into

raw nude rhythm.

Monuments need green aesthetic.

I remember my first dress.

Every straight man

is a femme in the closet.

Use more leather.

Transitions

Tell someone you are transgender, give them enough time, and I am willing to bet you will eventually be asked where you are in transition. Everyone seems to be obsessed with transition. There is an assumption that all transfolk who were assigned male at birth want to be female and that all transfolk who were assigned female at birth want to be male. There is an assumption that the end point to being transgender is to have crossed the gender binary and to once again fit neatly into one of the two boxes (of course there is also an assumed, and much focused upon, surgery that goes with that as well). These assumptions often are made from within the trans community too- not just from without. What most fail to realize, though, is that the idea of transition doesn’t apply to all transfolk. Certainly the idea of a definitive one-gender-to-the-other idea of a transition doesn’t apply to a large portion of transfolk. It doesn’t even need to be this giant, all-consuming, concerted effort that it so often is portrayed as.

“This is my secret: trans[folk] don’t ‘do’ transition. People say things like ‘When you transitioned’ and ‘when you made your change’ and they have no idea what they are talking about. Transition isn’t an active verb, but a passive one. You don’t transition, you simply stop resisting transition, you just give in. You just stop fighting. You just let the current sweep you away. Transition is a sacrifice, like an act of submission, like going to sleep, like dying. Maybe sex is like that too. Maybe everything is.” -Stacey Montgomery Scott

What if the idea of a transition simply meant that we allowed ourselves to be who we are- that we stopped pretending, stopped acting, stopped misbehaving, stopped pushing? What if the idea of transition simply meant a wardrobe change for one person, a full SRS for another person, a hormone regimen for another person, nothing for another person, a change in behavior for another person, and another person, and another person, and that all these changes were seen as equal transitions? They don’t all mean that boys become girls or that girls become boys. They idea of transition is allowed to also represent those who go from being boys to being another gender. And girls who become another gender. And the other genders are recognized. And moving and flowing between all the genders becomes easier and acknowledged and allowed. 

We in the trans community so often complain about the male and female genders/spaces being policed. How about we stop also policing the spaces for transition and the spaces for other genders? How about we let this whole gender experience just happen and end the rules and expectations for all of it?

Cling Wrap

How fortunate it is to wake up in the middle of the night and remember that lying there in bed with you is someone who is so beautiful and so amazing. Someone who you love so very much. How wonderful it feels to cradle them in your arms and to feel their arms around you. But how to tell them you love them when you're not sure it's what they want to hear? To risk everything to lose it all. To risk it all to gain everything. And so there is silence. An extra unspoken squeeze during a hug. Perhaps a reciprocal look in the silent gazes. Is it possible that too much is being read in that perfect smile? Sigh.

Random Text Message: Elaborated

In this mechanized metropolis there is no park. It is all grey and desolate and polluted. At the far end of the park there is a hopeful sight. Upon a bench four dusty corpses sit in a row. Each living their own death. Each waiting for a reward from their previous life. A flower bud struggles to reach high enough between their decay to bloom. Only a few more inches. Yet her neck is craned and her legs stretched all the way out already. It begins to rain...

HMS Life

It seems that life is as a ship at sea.

The energy levels rise, crest, and fall as waves.

Sometimes in a frenzy, the emotions pitch the boat back and forth,

Eventually calming to a gentle rocking again.

Sometimes land comes into sight.

And sometimes all is adrift with no hope of rescue.

It is a constant struggle to stay aloft.

A struggle not to fall into the undertow.

A struggle against raiding ships only after your goods.

Then there are days when the sun shines and the wind softly blows.

And on those days everything is perfect as headway is made.

Alas, on the high seas those perfect days are few.

But for a port or a harbor to anchor at.

Work

A quick note about an experience at work:

I just got a new job at an assisted living facility and on my first day of work I was going around introducing myself to the residents. I told one of the residents who I was and when I would be working. He sat quietly for a minute taking it in and then asked me "I just have to ask, what are you?" I was taken aback for a minute- my first day and already I'd have to decide what boundaries around my identity I was willing to share? He noticed my pause and clarified, "I mean are you a nurse or an administrator?" Ah for the fun of assumptions on my part some time. I told him I was on the nursing staff and he happily went his way.

Changes

Remembering what was.

Knowing what is/what can be.

Imagining what will be.

All I can say is "wow".

RNC 2008

With the week coming to an end, the Republican National Convention is also finally over. And what a week. From every Republican who spoke, we heard lies, attacks, taunts, exaggerations, and a whole lot of Bushit (even though McCain's campaign is trying so hard to distance itself from being aligned with Bush). It's also very interesting to hear the Republicans speak as if we've been run by Democrats for too long now- even though it has been a very overbearing Republican Bush administration for the past 8 years. They pick at the current congress as not getting anything done and as having the lowest public approval ratings there is, but they fail to recognize that congress has only been, narrowly, Democrat controlled for the past year and hasn't been able to get anything done because of the president's overuse of the veto and unfair pressure from the administration for earmarks, and special interests. But enough about the current admin- let's get back to the RNC.

It was surprising when McCain claimed that his campaign is one based on a "Culture of Life". He clearly was referencing Palin's staunch anti-choice views. What he forgot about was that his campaign is also pro-death penalty and pro-war. How do death and destruction fit into their definition of "culture of life"?

I was not surprised to hear McCain as he chided Russia for having national ambitions and for intimidating/invading other sovereign nations. (Apparently he doesn't understand the American military and foreign policies as well as he'd have us all think.) It also was no surprise that even though McCain has a personal interest in Georgia, and has been very harsh towards Russia, he still wants us all to think that he could work positively with both countries to establish peace again. 

Throughout McCain's speech, he spoke again and again about doing things for the country, not for himself. He went on and on about recognizing the people of the country. In so many words, he has declared himself to be "The People's Candidate". He didn't outright state that, but may as well have. The comical part of all this is that "The People's Candidate" was a title given to Senator John Edwards when he ran for the presidential nomination. It's interesting how McCain and Palin both keep pulling from the Democratic party for inspiration and/or ideas on how to do things.

McCain made a very big deal in talking about his military service in Vietnam and the time he spent as a POW and all the amazing and heroic choices he made. It's striking, though, that every time the story is told it changes. AND there isn't any corroborating evidence that its all true-just McCain's word and his memoir. And still, McCain uses his time spent in Vietnam as credentials for knowing what the military can do and how it operates. Yet, if he really knew so much about the military, and really knew so much about war, and really knew so much about Vietnam then why does he continue to think that we're winning the war in Iraq? In both Palin and McCain's speeches they spoke about how we are now within sight of an Iraq victory, an awkward echo of Bush's statement years ago that it was "mission completed". (Unless of course the mission wasn't really Iraqi liberation but really getting America (and American corporations) entangled with the middle east in a way that we'd be there for quite a while yet to come.)

McCain made the comment at one point that "I don't care who gets the credit" for any thing that happens or for anything someone does. Yet he then went on to talk about how "I...I...I...I...I...I" am going to blow my own horn and make myself sounds like an American hero- The American Hero. People who preface statements like that, really mean the opposite of what they say. McCain is all about receiving the credit for things he claims to have done.

I foresee that McCain's administration would be just as damaging to the American people as Bush's administration, if not worse. First, Palin spoke of a clear disregard for human rights and civil liberties and then last night McCain talked about how after the Vietnam war "I wasn't my own man anymore- I was my country's." Of course he was telling everyone that they should turn their lives over to the country too- let the will of the government control their actions and desires. He then clearly restated that by saying "If you don't like the country, join it...enlist..." 

An point of note is that McCain's whole platform is based on how being in Vietnam and giving up his free will in favor of mindless government orders is what makes him so amazing- is what makes him a hero. He even credits his life to America because during the Vietnam war "my country saved me." Of course, he fails to acknowledge that his country is the one who put him in harm's way to being with.

On a more comical note, McCain stumbled over the statement that people should "teach an illiterate adult to read". Perhaps he and Bush will volunteer to be the first in line for that service.

McCain ended his speech with the same old American Dream rhetoric that's been spewed out relentlessly. If you fight hard enough and push long enough, you will succeed, nothing is outside of your reach if you really try. We are American's, we don't give up. Etc, etc, etc. To bring it all to a point, McCain said we need to fight, fight, fight. We need to stand up and fight. 

I was certainly glad to see that many people are already doing just that. At the RNC there were two disturbances during just McCain's speech. Both Code Pink For Peace and the Veterans For Peace managed to get onto the floor of the convention and almost managed to get a sign hung up! They are standing up for us! At the same time, hundreds of protestors outside the convention were arrested- with a focus on the media and journalists. But we can't stop there:

I think we need to stand up and fight against another Republican Administration taking over the White House and our country. I think we need to stand up and fight for all of our civil liberties. I think we need to stand up and fight to decrease corporate greed taking over the smaller people. I think we need to stand up and fight against America intimidating and invading other countries. I think we need to stand up and fight for the common good of all our fellow human beings. I think we need to stand up and fight against everything that isn't in the common good for us all.

ANTM

Last night was the season premier of the 11th Cycle of America's Next Top Model. The focus of the episode was on the model Isis. For any who missed the show or didn't hear the gossip, Isis is an out transwoman (the first transwoman to appear on ANTM). There are many who saw this as being a positive move, both for ANTM as well as for the trans community in general. There was hope that ANTM's treatment of trans issues would be well done. Any hope of that was quickly shot down.

Before I say much more, I need to give the disclaimer that I never finished watching the episode- I was watching with a friend and we had to get up and leave. It didn't take long for Isis' fellow housemates to air their "concerns" about living with a "he-she". There was one who said it made her uncomfortable that Isis has a body different than hers (the actual model was much more offensive in how she said that, though). There was another model that talked about how when she grew up she was given "good, solid values". The implication is that Isis received poor values, that she is less moral, etc. I'm not sure, but I also think I heard some pronoun mishaps in the conversations as well- referring to Isis as "he".

So, what did ANTM hope to get out of having Isis in the cast? Ratings. I predict that at some point in this season, the models will be asked to do a nude photo shoot (thus putting Isis in a very precarious situation). I'm also predicting that during a photo shoot there will be a well-filmed and highly embarrassing mishap involving the failure of the tape Isis uses to tuck/bind with. And then, after ANTM has milked all the ratings they can get out of Isis they're going to ditch her (and thus also receive the approval and ratings of the conservatives who are pissed off that Isis got on in the first place.) 

Re: Sarah Palin

I've had some time to gather my thoughts on Sarah Palin and what it means for her to be the on the GOP ticket.

While it is certainly a surprise that the GOP chose a female candidate, their choice is far from being as progressive as so many people are hailing it to be. Below is a list of all the issues that make her not progressive/a list of what we do not want in a leader.

1. She is anti-choice. (Even in cases of rape and incest.)

2. She is working to elect a major player in the good-old-boys network. (Which she claims to be adamantly against.)

3. She says she is against big oil yet has no environmental consciousness. (she is responsible for miles of pipelines and drilling currently being allowed in Alaska and pushes increased drilling, fishing, and mining.)

4. She was chosen, in part, because of her looks and the fact that when commentators and/or opposition candidates comment on that it makes them out to be shallow and/or sexist.

5. She is trying to take the "Hillary vote" away- to draw in their supporters.

6. She is very young and very inexperienced (used as a way to show all that McCain isn't, perhaps?).

7. In her acceptance speech she drew on the strength of the woman's suffrage movement as well as several well-known democratic woman candidates. She claims to be a proud feminist yet has many very un-feminist views.

8. She's very evangelical. We don't need another administration that is leading this country into war because of their personal/religious crusades.

9. Her 18 year-old son is in the Army. Enlisted on 09/11/2007, will be deployed 09/11/2008. Does anyone else smell a media/political stunt here?

10. She is very anti-LGBTQ (voted for DOMA and against partner health benefits).

11. She is pro-death-penalty.

12. She helped put in a legal motion to overturn listing the Polar Bear as an endangered species.

13. She is a member of the NRA, supports youth using guns, and opposed gun bans in large cities.

14. She is strongly in favor of teacher-led prayer in public schools.

15. She believes that drug use is "immoral". (She herself has used pot but said "she didn't like it.")

I'm not even going to address John McCain. His short-comings are (or should be) very plain to see.

A few Electoral Comments

I've been listening today to the speeches made by McCain & Co as well as by Obama & Co. I've heard a lot of "I will, I will, I will" but so far I haven't heard any of the "This is how I will." Loft goals and lots of promises but no directions or plans for how these goals will be met.

And while I'm at it, McCain's choice of VP has been very strategically done. On paper she appears to be everything McCain isn't as well as recapturing everything Obama and Clinton were promising. In reality though, she isn't and doesn't. The choice of Sarah Palin as VP is a low-ball tactic. In the first 15 minutes of her speech she had already spoken every cliche there is as well as espousing all the wrong things. Yuck. I'm glad to see that there are many women who are recognizing that, although Palin is a woman, she doesn't represent the interests of women. Palin argues against the good-old-boy network yet she is a willing pawn in that network. How sad. 

I'm sure there will be more to come (both from the media and from me) in the near future on all this. Stay tuned.

Railroad Sabotage

Henry David Thoreau wrote in his book "The Flowering of America" about a railroad. He spoke of how we are so obsessed with technology and advancement that we fail to realize that "we don't ride upon the railroad, it rides upon us." Thoreau was writing about the class/social struggles of America in the early 1900's. He could just have accurately be talking about America today, though. So, in the tradition of Joe Hill, Mother Jones, Emma Goldman, Utah Phillips, and all the other people who organized and stood up for their fellow workers in protest, I think it's time class/social issues come back up to the surface in a real way.

Sometimes I stop and wonder why there hasn't really been any revolutionaries that have come forward of late, why there hasn't been a consciousness of all that we've faced and continue to face. And then I realize that it's because the government has gotten much much better at keeping an eye on that sort of thing. Most recently, things started welling up and it only took a well-timed conspiracy and the collapse of two American towers to refocus all of America on the country, not the people. That's when things got a little dicey. 

Lacking someone tangible to blame and punish, the government had to cook up scheme after scheme to keep America at war, to keep it from stopping to realize what was going on, to keep the American minds occupied with thought's other than of themselves and their conditions. It didn't work though. I think the American people are also getting much much better at keeping an eye on these sort of things. We realized that the war in Iraq wasn't about liberating the Iraqis or about protecting America. It was about protecting American interests. After all, the government is and always has been most interested in the stability of it's corporations, conglomerations, banks, and bureaucrats. It's for the benefit of a small group of bloated, balding, middle-aged men. That's why favor for the war dropped off so sharply and why it continues to be so unpopular- the American people realize it wasn't done for them and that they will be picking up the check at the end of the banquet.

Could it be that we're finally starting to realize that all the phony elections, the sex scandals, the gay-marriage bans, the retail hype, the bridge openings, the building dedications, the bill signings, etc- they're all a distraction. They're all a way for the people to think that they are included- that their opinions matter. 

I was excited when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans causing so much destruction. Of course I felt bad for the damage done and the people hurt and displaced. But I was sitting on edge waiting. It was the perfect stimulus needed to start something major. The Hurricane clearly demonstrated class and racial lines and biases. If anything, surely that would have created an uproar? While there was certainly some outcry, most simply held to the thought that we need to fix things and do what was needed so everything could go back to the way they were. And just as quickly the outcry died down.

I've been excited again recently about the upcoming election. We have one candidate who isn't white and one who represents everything that's held real America at bay since it's beginning. I've been sitting on edge waiting. It would be the perfect time to really get into some harrying debates about racial and class boundaries. It would be the perfect time to force the government to really look at and answer for the poor and low-income America. It would be- let me correct that- it is the perfect time to stir up the unrest and see where we can go with it. 

It's been upsetting, though, to see that at the same time we are all being groomed and prepped for the potential of another upcoming war of "solidarity". Be it Iran, China, Pakistan, Korea, Russia, where ever. It doesn't matter at this point. It's the tactics that matter- the intention behind it.

Thoreau went on to talk about the railroad, saying that each sleeper- each railroad tie- that the rails run across is really a person. That when the train comes across a sleeper who has arisen there is a huge fuss about it. And "I am glad to know that it takes a gang of men for every five miles to keep the sleepers down and level in their beds as it is, for this is a sign that they may sometime get up again."

Let's pause for a minute and see that the railroad, the machinations, the technologies, the government, the wars are really all riding on us. And then let's think about our revolutionary teachers from the early 1900's and decide how we're going to organize to throw the rails off of our backs.

THE Surgery

A good friend and I recently had a conversation about being trans and how our identities within the trans spectrum has affected our transitions. In talking, I came to a conclusion: while still recognizing that its tough to identify as transsexual, there are days when it would be easier to be able to identify as a transsexual given that identifying as genderqueer comes with no rules, no boundaries, no suggestions, no guidelines, no standards, no certainties. 

I think that one of the hardest aspects of identifying as genderqueer is knowing what that means in terms of transitioning and medical options. 

See, there are people who identify as women and identify with their vagina. These people are recognized as women. There are people who identify as women and identify with their penis. These people are often also recognized as women. There are people who identify as men who identify with their penis. These people are recognized as men. And there are people who identify as men who also identify with their vagina. These people are often also recognized as men. So what of someone who doesn't identify as a man or a woman and doesn't identify with either a penis or a vagina? Or just doesn't identify with the parts they were given at birth?

The Standards of Care (SOC) for a transsexual state that in order to gain access to genital reconstructive surgery (more commonly known as SRS or as THE Surgery) they have to undergo therapy, gain a diagnosis as having gender identity disorder or body dysmorphia, hormone treatment, and a real life test. At the minimum.

So here's the rub: the SOC were designed for people who have a clear desire to move from being male to female or from being female to male. It doesn't give any room for someone who wants to go from male to neither or from female to neither (in terms of their physical body). The SOC and the medical world provide no option other than having a penis or a vagina. They also don't provide the option for someone who doesn't identify as female to get a vagina or for someone who doesn't identify as male to get a penis. What if someone doesn't identify with having a penis and wants a vagina simply as an alternative? What if someone doesn't identify with having a vagina and wants a penis simply as an alternative? The SOC would frown upon this quite heavily.

This is where we enter a grey area. Genital mutilation and body modification happens all the time, especially in the trans community by people who feel like they have no other options. They recognize that it's hard to access the SOC and that for many the SOC don't apply. It becomes a situation of desperation. What else can they do? Of course, for people who were given a penis, the act of genital mutilation could produce a result of having no penis or scrotum but also no vagina or clitoris or lips. That's something. And can that really be considered a mutilation if it is simply just a correction of a mishap at birth? Of course, the problem with this method is that it's very dangerous (infections, and blood loss, etc). It also produces someone who is sexually unresponsive to many methods/forms of sex. It's unfortunate on both accounts. 

So here's where I think a change needs to be made. The SOC should be opened up so that rather than gatekeeping and limiting the number and type of people who can access services, they should recognize the diversity found in the trans community and provide options for their services as well. Stop limiting who can and can't get a vagina or a penis- there are lots of us who want to be sexual, just not with the parts we currently have. We also want to be able to have a set of parts that we feel comfortable with and can grow to identify with having. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

Radical Directions

I attended a meeting tonight who's purpose was to help identify what direction Basic Rights Oregon would be taking in the next 5 years. The list that was created was pretty standard: education, healthcare, workplace issues, documentation issues, etc. It took 2 hours to create that list. At the end everyone was given the chance to put in one last comment about the direction things would/should be taking. Several commented that since this is the first year that there hasn't been an anti-LGBTQ proposal for the upcoming elections that we should be taking steps now to be radical, to push the envelope, and to make the progress that we've been wanting and needing.

I agree that, void of any other taxing concerns/pesky legislation, now is the perfect time to forge ahead and really create some change on our own terms. The issue becomes what should we forge ahead with? What would be considered radical? Providing education to the public in general is not radical. Even providing education to specific professions (such as police officers, EMT's, etc) is not radical. Passing an inclusive national non-discrimination law that specifically mentions gender-identity is not radical. Promoting marriage equality is not radical. Providing support in places of employment for people who are transitioning and support for people to get their documentations amended is not radical. Even removing the current hoops that transfolk have to jump through to get hormones and/or surgery is not radical. All of these things should be common sense. People need to understand what LGBTQ is and to understand that this community is not a threat. Transfolk should feel comfortable to be themselves at work. Transfolk need to have access to their own ID's and documents that shows a congruence with who they really are. People should have control over their own bodies. It should all be a given. And givens aren't radical.

So what would be really radical? What would really push the envelope? We could always push to knock all gender designations off of identification forms. That would certainly reduce a lot of issues for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. We could push for better research into techniques for trans fertility/reproduction and gene-therapy... allow for more than just an outward physical transition.

I think that ultimately the most radical thing that could be done is to get us to the point where none of this really matters anymore. Where people can just be. Where there won't be discrimination or hatred or violence or intolerance of any kind simply because someone is LGBTQ. (I realize that is point in my rant sounds really single-issue focused. It might read that way but in my head I'm also thinking about the end of discrimination, hatred, violence, intolerance, etc based on race, ethnicity, creed, religion, health status, mental health status, ability level, age, gender, class, education level, body stature, etc). Idealist? Yes. Realistic? Not if we don't believe it's possible. Radical? Oh yes!

Woe Is Not Me

All the time I hear complaints such as “God doesn’t exist- I wouldn’t have been put in this body otherwise” or “God must have been sleeping on watch when I was made because He got it all wrong.” I disagree with both sentiments. I believe that God does exist and that She didn’t get it all wrong. At the same time, I want to clarify that I also don’t agree with political views that “our adversity makes us stronger and so without these struggles we would be less than who we are today.” 

I think those viewpoints are a wonderful way of exempting the speakers from examining what is really going on and from having a much needed conversation. This is further reinforced for me in that, void of the struggle of being trans, there is always some other dynamic by which we are being marginalized and thus challenged to step up and expand who we are.

I know right now some of you are probably thinking, “but what about the most waspy republicans in our country- how are they being marginalized since they aren’t on  most of the spectrums? First off, don’t think for a second that republicans, wasps, or even waspy republicans don’t fit  into the queer spectrum. Second, they are republican wasps and with their leader (G.W. Bush) at an all time low in public approval ratings, they clearly aren’t the majority (no matter how loudly they proclaim that they are). They know this- that’s why they fight so hard to do what they do. No one has it completely made. Privilege works well for many but not perfectly, not even just for a few. 

So, if God didn’t get it all wrong, and we’ve all been put where we were supposed to be and in the bodies we were supposed to have been given, what does that mean? Should we just accept it all and complacently live out our time? NO! I’ve always believed that life is what you make of it (and no, that isn’t the same sentiment as the “American Dream”- some things ARE out of reach for most people no matter how hard they try, it’s just the way the system is set up). Your outlook on life makes the difference in how you experience that life. If everything appears to be doom and gloom then all you will get is hardships. If you can acknowledge the sun shining every now and then, you’ll get some good times too. 

Not to get religious here, but the Bible does speak about knocking and the door will be opened, ask and it shall be given. Those verses don’t speak specifically to salvation. They also speak to your lot in life. So, take your experience and let it be a guide for shaping your future, rather than letting your past shape you. Change your body if it doesn’t suit you.  The same holds true for the system that clearly doesn't work for so many. If we want it to work for us we have to change it- not try to join it. Resistance, whether just in our own bodies or against "the man" is one step forward. Make things work for you because it doesn't "all come with good time". You have to go get it!

Put Together to Fall Apart

It seems that there is a big misunderstanding going on in the trans community. The main premise behind the misunderstanding is this: the individual trans folks look at the others and think that all the others have everything so well put together- have everything figured out, but they themselves don't. So which is it? Are we all so well put together, are we all beyond help, or are we all just really good at pretending and putting on a good face? I think it's the last one, that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. It's just more obvious for some people.

This brings me to a second point of consideration. Quite often I hear/solicit people's opinions about media portrayals of transfolk. I have always found very mixed reviews. Some people look at movies, etc and say that it was very fictional and that the media just wanted to "put them through the wringer" for the sake of showing every bad possibility that could happen. Other people (myself often included) look at the same movies, etc and say that while the story is often glamorized, they quite often are very accurate portrayals of what so many of us go through. So, is this just a small difference of opinion or is it a huge difference of privilege and experience? I believe it's the latter. 

So, the moral of the story? I could spout off some rhetoric about everyone being different and about the need to understand other people's position in life. I'd rather leave it all for you to think about for yourself though. Feel free to leave a comment about what you've come to in conclusions.

"To be a professional actor, you have to play people you don't like. God knows I play one everyday." -David Rider

Tarot Readings

From time to time I have delved into the realm of the Tarot cards. Nothing formal. Nothing too serious. Just an interest- a boost to meditation. Tonight I ran three readings- 2 for friends and 1 for myself. If nothing else it left me worn out. I knew that reading the tarot takes some energy- but back to back readings for other people and then yourself is particularly draining. I think what made it even harder tonight was that I was doing readings for people who are close to me- who I care for deeply. I'd like to think that my own energies didn't play into their readings- that they didn't alter the interpretations or the spread. But I know it did, even if just a little. 

I think that the most upsetting part of it all was that my readings tonight were very accurate. I wrote an email to someone special this morning, pouring out my heart. And tonight I got that email back almost word for word in my reading. Sometimes it really hurts being so accurate. The positive spin on it all is that at least this affirmation means I'm not making everything up. It also means that knowing the possible outcome will enable me to make choices to avoid it. Knowing is half the battle, no? The final word on tonight was that "nobody knows the future". Thankfully, that's true. Now, to be masters of our own destiny...

влюбленность все еще там

So here we are. On the same page moving at different paces. I was ready to turn the page- to see what happened next. You were still reading though. And that's ok. I liked that page a lot and wouldn't mind rereading it again. I thought about giving you the clif-notes to get you caught up but it wouldn't work to do so. There are things you need to read and understand for yourself. Maybe I'll just sit and think for a while and wait till you are ready to turn the page. I can't imagine picking up a better book anyway.

Down

I really needed to cry.

But I didn't need to be crushed to do it.

I really wanted to cry.

But I forgot the pain that goes with it.

I really like crying.

But the tears still sting.

And now with a reason for it,

I don't want to cry.

But there's nothing I can do about it.

And so I'm filled with tears.

A Moment Alive

Missed connections finally connecting.

Alone together with no demands.

No expectations.

The air is tingling.

To feel silly again, 

Like a child who doesn't know what to do.

And then there's the warmth. 

Waves of it, gently washing over me.

Coming from you.

It's such a peaceful feeling.

Your arms around me.

I could lie down and sleep right there.

Your breath on my neck.

I could stay there forever.

But the moment passes quickly,

Leaving anticipation of our next meeting.

"Ceremony wastes queer culture.

Kiss, feel, want your trans preference."-CSB

Penis Prohibition

My housemate and I were chatting this afternoon and we came up with a rule of thumb that could greatly benefit society. In fact this rule of thumb is so far-reaching that I'm confident that if would reduce the number of school and gang fights, reduce the amount of school bullying, reduce the level of rage/anger, and even increase productivity in society. Surprisingly, for the amount of complex problems it would fix, this rule of thumb is amazingly simple. So what is it? Here's the plan: No penis until you have a job*. 

*Some restrictions apply: in the event that job expectations are not met, all offers will be revoked and considered void. This rule of thumb applies to anyone requesting/owning a penis, gender not-specific.

Life is a Song...

What is the appeal of musicals? It seems that at some point or other every topic imaginable has been used in or turned completely into a musical. Most TV shows at some point create a musical episode (usually with really lame songs done in an overly campy manner). I recently found out that there is even a musical about the only person  in America to be convicted of cannibalism (and I have plans to go see it soon too)! Some have tackled some really serious topics and helped present them in a light more easily stomached for the general audience, such as Rent. Some have been done mostly just for fun (and for the cult following), such as Rocky Horror. Wicked is a musical done as a horribly botched-up rendition of the book. And on and on and on. But again, what is the appeal? No one in real life bursts out in song during a fight, during dinner, during sex, or even during work. Well, at least not to sing a narrative of the story line... I do know people who burst out singing all the time. But that adds spice, not a necessary cue for the audience. Oh well, I guess I don't know why musicals continue to be so popular. Maybe I'll figure it out while watching Cannibal as the blood starts spilling in time to a song...

Olympic Injustice

Every 4 summers there is a barbaric ritual that occurs involving millions of people from all over the world. It’s happening again this summer in Bejing, China. No, I’m not talking about the Olympics (although it in itself is rather barbaric). I’m talking about the practice of gender testing done on the athletes who are considered “suspect”. This practice has been done since the early 60’s after fear that USSR athletes were really men competing in the women’s divisions so they would have a better chance of winning. 

The actual history of the Olympic gender testing is very disturbing. From forcing the female athletes to parade nude in front of a panel of judges to chromosomal testing to todays standard where the athletes are evaluated by an endocrinologist, gynecologist, a geneticist and a psychologist. One of the more upsetting sides to all this is that since it’s start, gender testing has never led to the disqualification of any athlete. A handful have been found to have been born as intersex. One has had her eligibility revoked and then later reinstated. But no one has been found to be the wolf in sheep’s clothing that everyone was so frenzied over. In fact, the only Olympic athlete to ever be found competing in the “wrong” division was a male German athlete who was forced by the Nazi’s to compete in women’s sports. And that account only came out years later when the athlete disclosed it all himself. 

There is a lot of outcry over the gender testing. There are a lot of people who understand the intricacies of sex and gender and know that there is no black and white. It always surprises me every time the Olympics come around to hear that this practice is still in place. I thought we had evolved more than this. Apparently not.

Attached to the header for this blog entry is a link to the New York Times article on the Olympic gender testing for any who are interested.

Evolution, Creation, Manifestation

1. Each moment in life is precious. All stages of growth are still growth and equally important.

2. Remember the Divine being that you are. You are strong and more resilient than you could imagine! Your inner spirit has unlimited abilities to heal and create.

3. Fear is a communicable disease. Be mindful against this. The force of love has the power to change limitations into unlimited possibilities.

4. Unfulfilled dreams may be because others involved are in fear or are having their own crisis. Dreams are an intricate chain of events that must all happen for it to come true. What can you do right now? Build your own manifestation bridge.

5. Turn off auto-pilot and intentionally examine what you are taking in (media specifically). Is it negative or playing the fear-based emotions?

6. If you get bored or lose sight, ask your spirit for reminders of the big picture beyond your current life.

7. Monitor your thoughts and emotions. Tend to those that create love and compassion. Refuse to act on those that create fear or negativity.

The Quiet Moments

1:30 in the morning. Still warm from a shared cup of tea. We sit talking in the soft glow of the lamps. I look up and you just smile. 2:00 and we walk down the street in silence. The night is chilling but it doesn’t bother us. There are noises. And people yelling in the distance. But they don’t bother us either. The world is at a distance as we bump into each other. 2:15 and we hug before parting ways. We both walk on our own. I turn to look back and you are already gone. All shadows now. And silence. The night closes in and sleep follows close behind. 9:00 and I wake to remember it was such a beautiful dream but for two used mugs sitting on the counter. And I smile before going back to bed.