Disclaimer

These posts made on 10/30 were all writings I had done previously. Please don't become alarmed by the content as it does not reflect my current state of being. These are being posted for posterity's sake and to add some ranting, angsty color to a blog that has been too barren this month.

Feeling

I just wanted to feel alive- to dance and smile and share all of that. Instead, all I felt was dead. The smile and the motions were fake. A good mask but fake all the same. I didn’t really feel anything. I was detached and isolated and utterly alone. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. That would mean feeling something. Anything. Anyway, the tears would have only ruined my well-crafted mask and I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. In effect, I was hanged. Immobile, yet still unwilling to surrender. Needing death to find me but not ready for it yet- still too scared to let go.

She Cried Out

In my dream I heard a young child as she screamed for help. I woke to find that I hadn’t been sleeping at all. The voice was really there. But I was completely alone. I cried as I realized that the voice I had heard wasn’t a child’s; it wasn’t even someone else’s. That voice was my own as I cried out for help. I had forgotten and buried that voice so long ago that I didn’t recognize it at all anymore. But now I remembered and I had to do something about it.

The Dregs of Being

I had arrived in this place with such high hopes for what I would find. I guess they were more of unrealistic expectations than anything. The grass is always greener... you know. All that bullshit that we feed ourselves so that we keep going and are never really happy with where we are. I had seven cups in my backpack but was only pouring one drink.

I had no fight left in me. Nothing. It was all gone. Sure, somedays I could dredge up some weak attempt, but it wasn’t the same. There wasn’t any fire or any passion in it. And I couldn’t sustain that for long at all.

Capitalism

Yahoo news today ran the headline "10 Steps to Becoming a Millionaire". One of the steps was be aggressive. Another step was to "watch your spending". They stated that vacations, travel, homes, and children all take money- so minimize your spending! Basically, be an asshole who doesn't enjoy life or share that with other people or family. Anyone still want to be a millionaire?

I'm currently reading the book "Days of War/ Nights of Love" by Crimethinc. It's an amazing book so far and so frustrating. It talks a lot about capitalism and how the system is set up to screw over the majority of us. We sell our time to the highest bidder we can find and then work away until exhausted and then go home and buy back the products we helped make at a profit to our employers. The examples are very poignant and clear. The theory is solid. The result is frustration over a system that makes it so hard to operate outside of it. 

There is one point that discusses a gift-based economy over a trade-based (capitalist) economy. It offers some hope.

On Paying

I've been speaking with some friends for a while now about how people finance their transitions. I refuse to believe that only the privileged can achieve a desirable level of transition. Through some brainstorming and internet searching we've come across with some ideas for financing. Of course, there's always savings (if you don't mind waiting till age 50 if you aren't well off to begin with), there are a few grants (if you can find them and qualify), loans (if you can qualify and don't mind paying for it till age 80), benefit parties, and sponsors. My friends and I are currently toying with a plan for juggling several of those methods to raise some funding (yes, some of you who are reading this will inevitably be getting a letter from me at some point soon- it's still in the draft stage for right now. Please don't hate me for it.).