Feeling

I just wanted to feel alive- to dance and smile and share all of that. Instead, all I felt was dead. The smile and the motions were fake. A good mask but fake all the same. I didn’t really feel anything. I was detached and isolated and utterly alone. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. That would mean feeling something. Anything. Anyway, the tears would have only ruined my well-crafted mask and I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. In effect, I was hanged. Immobile, yet still unwilling to surrender. Needing death to find me but not ready for it yet- still too scared to let go.