Getting Dated.

A friend and I were chatting recently about dating. Not about us dating, that is, but about the dating scene in general. We discussed how difficult it is for transfolk to really find someone worth dating. Worth dating in more than just the “they’re a great person” sense but rather in a “they’ll be ok with me” sense. We chatted about how the gay men are out of the picture because, well... they’re looking for other gay men. Not us transfolk. Same goes for the lesbian community. And, of course, dating the non-queer populace has historically ended up in the brutal murders of many in our community. So who does that leave? Well, it leaves the option for transfolk to date transfolk. That option doesn’t seem to be very popular though, as it seems so many transfolk are too intent on trying to blend in- to pass- that they don’t want the added “hassle” of their partner getting read and thus they too will be read as trans.

So, dating outside of the queer community is sort-of out of the question (although there are plenty of “tranny-chasers” as well as the occasional genuine lover). It also seems that, for the most part, dating within the queer community is also sort-of out of the question. If that wasn’t enough, there is also the remaining issue how we all identify on the trans spectrum. After all, that’s kind-of what’s causing the dating issues in the first place. Does the trans individual’s identity allow for them to access the dating world? “I’ve spent days intently watching the people around me, always wondering, ‘Am I passing for [insert gender here]? And if so, how long will it last until they know?’ After this, it’s hard to feel erotic and whole.” -Marcus Rene Van

There is a motto that I really like. One that I think would be amazingly beneficial for all of us if people in both the queer and non-queer communities would adopt: “Your gender doesn’t matter so long as you are intriguing. The package simply adds texture.” -Michael Hernandez

“At this point in the conversation, my friend tried to play what he probably thought was his trump card. He asked me, ‘Well, what if you found out the trans woman you were attracted to still had a penis?’ I laughed and replied that I am attracted to people, not to disembodied body parts. And I would be a selfish, ignorant, and unsatisfying lover if I believed that my partner’s genitals existed primarily for my pleasure rather than her own. All that you ever need to know about genitals is that they are made up of flesh, blood, and millions of tiny, restless nerve endings- anything else that you read into them is mere hallucination, a product of your own overactive imagination.” -Julia Serano