Faking out Gender

A while back, I had someone tell me that my “gender experiment” was unhealthy, was wrong, and that society would never accept it (or me). I found it amusing that this person, with no formal  education or training beyond high school, was telling me, a sociologist, what was going on in society. Aside from that laugh, this person was also telling me that what I was doing was wrong. The assumption is that it’s wrong because the doctor’s pronounced a sex assignment for me at birth and any attempt to alter or variate from that would be a lie, in their eyes at least. In short, they told me that any gender expression aside from the one that I had no choice in making wasn’t natural- that it was fake.

“By insisting that the trans person’s gender is ‘fake,’ they attempt to validate their own gender as ‘real’ or ‘natural.’ This sort of thinking is extraordinarily naive, as it denies a basic truth: We make assumptions every day about other people’s gender without ever seeing their birth certificates, their chromosomes, their genitals, their reproductive systems, their childhood socialization, or their legal sex. There is no such thing as a ‘real’ gender- there is only the gender we experience ourselves and the gender we perceive others to be.” -Julia Serano 

This brings up several great points: 1. Gender is really what we read into things. 2. Birth certificates, chromosomes, genitals, reproductive systems, childhood socialization, and legal sex do not tell a person’s gender. Any assumption about a person’s gender based on any of those things is just that- assumption; what we are reading into it. Only an individual can say what their gender is. Wait for them to identify that.

I tell people that, overall, someone who is transgender would be far more appreciative of being politely/respectfully/authentically asked what gender pronouns they prefer to use than to have that assumption made for them. I usually laugh at this point, though, and clarify that I don’t mean that you should go out and, while walking down the street, greet everyone with a handshake and ask “are you a man or a woman”? If you don’t need to know their gender identity (other than aside from your own curiosity) then you should question why you need to ask them about it. Roommates, lab-partners, close co-workers, in-laws, close neighbors, your hair stylist, people you will be addressing in everyday conversation on a regular basis... those are the people that it’s okay and best to make sure you’ve asked what pronouns they prefer to be addressed as. Strangers on the street, the cashier at your check-out line, the bus driver, the food-server at the restaurant, people you wouldn’t necessarily talk to (or see) on a regular basis... those are the people that you don’t need to know how they identify. If they want to talk about it, great! Listen to what they have to say and behave accordingly. Otherwise, leave your questions out of it. Does it really make a difference what their gender is? You wouldn’t  go down the street and ask people what their race was. Or what their religion was. Or if they were left handed or right handed. Or if they liked coffee instead of tea. Why should gender be any different? It’s just another one of those things that is. We all have a gender identity. Some of us have more than one. Any attempt to use those identities as a means of conferring status is reprehensible. Doing so only contributes to inequality and oppression.