Love is a hug.

How funny and fickle love is.

Looking you search without result

and it finds you when not looking.

Distance doesn’t matter.

Cross county or cross country

it still finds homes in warm hearts.

Time is not observed.

People are coming and people are going 

and love does it’s own thing

in its own way.

Bringing people together

to be torn apart

to be brought together again.

But oh such a feeling.

It’s like a really good hug

that though over still gives warmth.

That squeeze-you-so-close and

hold-you-so-tender kind of hug.

But it lasts.

For all the amazing hugs,

for those given and for those yet to be held.

It’s sweet love!

The Gift of Children

“It isn’t often that I sit and cry,

but I did today, after seeing

a child at the store.

He was about 6, maybe 7, with short

hair, wearing grubby jeans

and a defiant expression.

His face had tear streaks on dirty cheeks,

and the mother looked embarrassed.

She held up a pair of pink sneakers in elegant hands,

and walked steadfastly to the checkout

counter. The child trailed behind her,

staring at the floor,

‘I wanted the shoes like Daddy’s,’ I heard him mumble,

his voice a choked whisper.

‘You’ll wear these, Mary,’ the mother said,

paying for the sneakers.

They left, walking out of the store in a cloud 

of resentment and confusion.”

-Mac McCord

A few years back I had the opportunity to work with a little boy about 6 years old. His parents were very abusive (which is why I was working with him- he was in the care of my team of co-workers at a home). This little boy came into the home very quiet and did not want to share any of his interests with anyone. After a little bit, though, he expressed that he had always wanted his fingernails painted but his parents would never let him. I don’t believe that this little boy had any question about his gender- he knew he was a boy. But he was a boy who liked fingernail polish and didn’t care what anyone thought of that. During his stay with us we helped him paint his nails as often as he wanted. And he proudly wore his paint to school and elsewhere. It’s too bad more people can’t be like this little boy and rely on their inner strength to wear whatever they want to and to be themselves (I’ve worked with many other youth who have wanted to wear certain clothes and certain colors but never did because they were afraid of what other people would think or say.) Hooray for children like this little boy and like Mary from Mac’s account above. They are such a breath of fresh air!!

Pronouns Happen

Over the years I’ve gotten to hear (and sometimes to overhear) people talking and talking about me. Some of my favorite conversations to hear and participate in are ones about the use of pronouns. There is a general lack of knowing what to do when it comes to pronouns and me. It’s funny, you most often hear that children are amazing in their perceptions- they will either “read” you right away and call you on it or they will take you at face value and continue as it nothing was out of the ordinary. I’ve found that often children are the one’s who get confused the most.

There have been a number of times when children have come up to me and asked if I was a boy or if I was a girl. Sometimes I just shrug my shoulder, sometimes I ask them what they think (of course they can never pick an option they think is the “real” one). Once I had a child look me over for a few minutes and then turn to his mother and ask “is she a boy or a girl?” The mother knew me (on a not too personal level) and simply answered, “That’s Jo!” So, apparently I’ve become a new pronoun all my own. I’m not a he or a she but a jo.

For all that, I hold a special appreciation for children when it comes to pronouns and accepting someone. So many adults are blatantly derogatory and won’t use the pronouns they’ve been told to use. Some are good about it, most aren’t. 

“It’s very hard to transform pronouns into a conscious process instead of an assumption based on social signals that have been instilled since birth. However, [people’s] willingness to fail at the difficult task of active thinking where non-thinking has existed is not okay.” -Dean Spade

Outreach to the "T"

As a part of the outreach work that I do, I’ve had the chance to talk with many people about the topics of gender and being transgender. Something that I’ve found to be fairly consistent from group to group is that very few people actually know what being transgender really means. For many people they are able to come up with the thought that being transgender means to change genders- they have some idea about the concept of transsexuality. Beyond that basic understanding, most have no knowledge about the wide range of diversity that exists in the trans community (let alone understand what it really means to be transsexual). 

So, in an attempt to illustrate the vast amount of variety that exists along the trans spectrum, I’ve listed here a number of trans identities. Some might be seen as offensive. Note that I didn’t create these terms- I’ve merely paid attention and listed them from experience and from research.

Transgender, transsexual, transfolk, transman, transwoman, transcended, transfag, transdyke, boydyke, byke, MTF, FTM, MTFTM, FTMTF, pre-op, post-op, non-op, crossdresser, drag queen, drag king, intersex, genderqueer, genderblender, genderbender, genderfuck, gender-fabulous, gender-plus, gender-gifted, genderless, gender-neutral, non-gender, omnigender, pangender, polygender, intergender, metagender, bi-gender, third gender, two-spirit, androgyne, neutroid, birl, tomboy, stone butch, en femme, high femme, womon, masculine female, feminine male, otherwise gender variant, etc. (All of these can be explained if needed, just leave me a comment with your contact info.)

A pretty wide range, no? There are 50 different identities listed there that all are transgender. 50. And of those 50, several could be taken further and separated out in a number of other identities. 50+ identities. I’ve read some research that estimates that about 1 in 500 people are transgender. I find that number to be a little off. 50+ identities versus 2 (male and female). That means that less than 1 in 25 are non-transgender (cisgender) identities. So how is it that so few people are unaware of what it means to be transgender?

I think the answer lies in the invisibility that happens surrounding identities that don’t fall under a privileged grouping (white, heterosexual, middle class, Christian, able-bodied, gender-normative). In a sense, if it isn’t heteronormative it isn’t openly discussed unless its to marginalize, criticize, make fun of, or berate the other grouping.

I think its high time the 2 started talking to the 50+ and that the 50+ start talking about their experiences in a way that give positive accounts of our lives (instead of the warped and limited views that are most often shown through the media). Game? Then let’s start talking!