Love is a hug.

How funny and fickle love is.

Looking you search without result

and it finds you when not looking.

Distance doesn’t matter.

Cross county or cross country

it still finds homes in warm hearts.

Time is not observed.

People are coming and people are going 

and love does it’s own thing

in its own way.

Bringing people together

to be torn apart

to be brought together again.

But oh such a feeling.

It’s like a really good hug

that though over still gives warmth.

That squeeze-you-so-close and

hold-you-so-tender kind of hug.

But it lasts.

For all the amazing hugs,

for those given and for those yet to be held.

It’s sweet love!

The Gift of Children

“It isn’t often that I sit and cry,

but I did today, after seeing

a child at the store.

He was about 6, maybe 7, with short

hair, wearing grubby jeans

and a defiant expression.

His face had tear streaks on dirty cheeks,

and the mother looked embarrassed.

She held up a pair of pink sneakers in elegant hands,

and walked steadfastly to the checkout

counter. The child trailed behind her,

staring at the floor,

‘I wanted the shoes like Daddy’s,’ I heard him mumble,

his voice a choked whisper.

‘You’ll wear these, Mary,’ the mother said,

paying for the sneakers.

They left, walking out of the store in a cloud 

of resentment and confusion.”

-Mac McCord

A few years back I had the opportunity to work with a little boy about 6 years old. His parents were very abusive (which is why I was working with him- he was in the care of my team of co-workers at a home). This little boy came into the home very quiet and did not want to share any of his interests with anyone. After a little bit, though, he expressed that he had always wanted his fingernails painted but his parents would never let him. I don’t believe that this little boy had any question about his gender- he knew he was a boy. But he was a boy who liked fingernail polish and didn’t care what anyone thought of that. During his stay with us we helped him paint his nails as often as he wanted. And he proudly wore his paint to school and elsewhere. It’s too bad more people can’t be like this little boy and rely on their inner strength to wear whatever they want to and to be themselves (I’ve worked with many other youth who have wanted to wear certain clothes and certain colors but never did because they were afraid of what other people would think or say.) Hooray for children like this little boy and like Mary from Mac’s account above. They are such a breath of fresh air!!

Pronouns Happen

Over the years I’ve gotten to hear (and sometimes to overhear) people talking and talking about me. Some of my favorite conversations to hear and participate in are ones about the use of pronouns. There is a general lack of knowing what to do when it comes to pronouns and me. It’s funny, you most often hear that children are amazing in their perceptions- they will either “read” you right away and call you on it or they will take you at face value and continue as it nothing was out of the ordinary. I’ve found that often children are the one’s who get confused the most.

There have been a number of times when children have come up to me and asked if I was a boy or if I was a girl. Sometimes I just shrug my shoulder, sometimes I ask them what they think (of course they can never pick an option they think is the “real” one). Once I had a child look me over for a few minutes and then turn to his mother and ask “is she a boy or a girl?” The mother knew me (on a not too personal level) and simply answered, “That’s Jo!” So, apparently I’ve become a new pronoun all my own. I’m not a he or a she but a jo.

For all that, I hold a special appreciation for children when it comes to pronouns and accepting someone. So many adults are blatantly derogatory and won’t use the pronouns they’ve been told to use. Some are good about it, most aren’t. 

“It’s very hard to transform pronouns into a conscious process instead of an assumption based on social signals that have been instilled since birth. However, [people’s] willingness to fail at the difficult task of active thinking where non-thinking has existed is not okay.” -Dean Spade

Outreach to the "T"

As a part of the outreach work that I do, I’ve had the chance to talk with many people about the topics of gender and being transgender. Something that I’ve found to be fairly consistent from group to group is that very few people actually know what being transgender really means. For many people they are able to come up with the thought that being transgender means to change genders- they have some idea about the concept of transsexuality. Beyond that basic understanding, most have no knowledge about the wide range of diversity that exists in the trans community (let alone understand what it really means to be transsexual). 

So, in an attempt to illustrate the vast amount of variety that exists along the trans spectrum, I’ve listed here a number of trans identities. Some might be seen as offensive. Note that I didn’t create these terms- I’ve merely paid attention and listed them from experience and from research.

Transgender, transsexual, transfolk, transman, transwoman, transcended, transfag, transdyke, boydyke, byke, MTF, FTM, MTFTM, FTMTF, pre-op, post-op, non-op, crossdresser, drag queen, drag king, intersex, genderqueer, genderblender, genderbender, genderfuck, gender-fabulous, gender-plus, gender-gifted, genderless, gender-neutral, non-gender, omnigender, pangender, polygender, intergender, metagender, bi-gender, third gender, two-spirit, androgyne, neutroid, birl, tomboy, stone butch, en femme, high femme, womon, masculine female, feminine male, otherwise gender variant, etc. (All of these can be explained if needed, just leave me a comment with your contact info.)

A pretty wide range, no? There are 50 different identities listed there that all are transgender. 50. And of those 50, several could be taken further and separated out in a number of other identities. 50+ identities. I’ve read some research that estimates that about 1 in 500 people are transgender. I find that number to be a little off. 50+ identities versus 2 (male and female). That means that less than 1 in 25 are non-transgender (cisgender) identities. So how is it that so few people are unaware of what it means to be transgender?

I think the answer lies in the invisibility that happens surrounding identities that don’t fall under a privileged grouping (white, heterosexual, middle class, Christian, able-bodied, gender-normative). In a sense, if it isn’t heteronormative it isn’t openly discussed unless its to marginalize, criticize, make fun of, or berate the other grouping.

I think its high time the 2 started talking to the 50+ and that the 50+ start talking about their experiences in a way that give positive accounts of our lives (instead of the warped and limited views that are most often shown through the media). Game? Then let’s start talking!

Clarification

Recently I had someone question me about my blog entires. She asked why I continually out myself and question a system which sometimes allows me to  "pass" as female and sometimes allows me to "pass as male".

For clarification (because although I know what my posting intents are but others might not get it)- I out myself in my blog on a regular basis and write about my experiences where my gender [expression] is challenged, not in an attempt to reinforce gender or gender roles, but rather to challenge gender itself. If the gender dichotomy truly did exist in as rigid a format as many would have you believe then how is it that I (along with countless others) can so easily create confusion in other people based on our gender expressions, mannerisms, etc?

Julia Serano puts it quite well in her book "Whipping Girl" when she states "I have found that women and men are not separated by an insurmountable chasm, as many people seem to believe. Actually, most of us are only a hormone prescription away from being perceived as the 'opposite' sex."

So, while I might take the time in my postings to point out the presence of gender markers in my experiences, it's not to accuse those I have interacted with as having made a "wrong" assumption, but rather to point out that even with such blatant gender markers (secondary sex characteristics), such as visible facial hair, people still struggle with their decision to classify others into male or female. Thus the inherent flaw in the gender dichotomy theory. Thus also proving that there is an amazing ease with which gender fluidity occurs and can be achieved.

LGBTQ Health Summit

Discussing for more the actual LGBTQ Health conference I attended, I noticed many things. One, the arguments and issues brought up are the same ones that have been brought up at the last 3 or 4 conferences. Nothing has changed. I noticed at the end of this conference all the charts with the issues were posted up front and the speaker said that they would go back to the CDC and to DHHS and to the conference planning committee to be addressed. Sadly, I think that many people left the conference thinking that they did their part and now that the agencies know of the community’s needs that it will get corrected. There is a general “things are getting done” attitude that is very misleading. It means that there isn’t any need to go further, that there isn’t any need for all of us to actually do the work individually and as groups. Things couldn’t be so wrong! There were about 180 people at this last conference. If those 180 people all went out and acted there will be a much greater and faster change than leaving it to the government agencies. So, lets make an action plan for all of us:

1. Question what is going on.

2. Challenge the status quo.

3. Educate yourself about the issues. All of them, not just the ones affecting you.

4. Voice opinions.

5. Talk to other people.

6. Vote.

7. Talk to your health care providers and educate them.

8. Volunteer your time.

9. Donate money to groups doing this work.

10. Organize.

11. Hold events.

12.  Hold the CDC and DHHS to their commitment to address these issues.

13. Become familiar with the legal system and know how to use our Civil Rights Laws. They might be under attack right now but as long as we have them, lets use them!

14. Learn about what our opposition is doing.

15. Refrain from resorting to the attacks and negative tactics used by our opposition.

16. Teach ways of inclusion... in all aspects. Religion isn’t the problem. Use the affirming ones to help spread the message instead of lumping them all together as bad.

17. Don’t be satisfied with small progresses. Refer back to Action #2. It’s the radical edge that pushes us all to find new ways of interacting and challenges us all to grow.

18. Work together. There is no such thing as an army of 1. That causes burn-out and bitterness. Instead strive for an army of all acting as 1.

19. Support each other.

20. Don't stop acting!

Christian Civics?

Yesterday I attended a conference on LGBTQ Health. While there I was informed that an “undercover agent” was also there from the Christian Civic League. Let me explain 2 things. 1. for all my out-of-state readers, the Christian Civic League is Maine’s equivalent of the Fred Phelps group. They are an extremely right-wing conservative group of meddling hate-mongers. They have worked constantly to confront all LGBTQ progress in Maine with some success. Most recently, they started a referendum to repeal our Civil Right’s Act, to abolish our High School Civil Right’s Teams, to ban gay marriage and civil unions, and to ban gay adoption. It’s a far reaching petition. One that the executive director “justifies” because he feels that groups should not be rewarded for their “sexual misbehaviors”. The ironic part of all this is that there is much speculation that the executive director of the CCL himself is a closeted gay man. 2. I need to qualify the part about the “undercover agent”. Not to perpetuate stereotypes, but he was a large man wearing a Red Sox windbreaker with jeans. He stuck out like a sore thumb. If that wasn’t telling enough his bright red blushing cheeks were.

The CCL agent went into several of the workshop sessions and took notes and pictures of people attending as well as the flip charts that were created. After the sessions he sought out some people to ask questions about comments that were made during the session. For example: in one session a gentleman talked about the work he does in his church. The CCL agent asked for the church’s denomination.

At one of the sessions I had the pleasure of sitting at the same table with the CCL agent. After the session was over I quickly took the chance to say hi. “I noticed you’re from the Christian Civic League. I think it’s great that they are supportive of you coming here.” He didn’t like that statement or the connotation it inferred. He gave me the cold shoulder, abruptly walking away but then spun around to bluntly ask “Are you a man or a women?” I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled. He continued, “I’m going to guess you’re a man trying to be a woman?” I replied, “No.” He still wasn’t satisfied, “Biologically?” Again, I replied, “No.” Frustrated he walked away and shortly after the session he left the entire conference. Apparently after 2 sessions and our interactions his gayness-meter was showing that he was in danger of having something rub off on him and had to leave. Pity. 

The attached link will take you to the CCL's website where they did a write-up on the Health Summit. Notice how they skillfully use derogatory terms to make the HEALTH summit read as a disease meeting of "homos and trannies". Their negative spin and slander against these groups is very sad. Christian? I don't think so. Not Christ like at all!